Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces
September 28th, 2018
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency, overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones. 3.97% voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. “About 100 people” voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.
Highland Ape Rescue out of West Virginia will be teaming up with Cornwell Primate farms to supply hundreds of monkeys and apes to the Senate. The animals will be fed a nutritious mixture of foods that produce easily throwable feces. Protective glass will be put up around the Senate for camera crews to safely film, but anyone being interviewed by the new senators will have to sit in the middle of the poo-flinging octagon, coming under a heavy barrage of projectile excrement.
“It will be a huge improvement from how things were before,” said ape trainer, Marlena Henwick. “No more 10-12 hour hearings. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done.”
The recently replaced senators will be placed on display at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. for families to park attendees to observe and zoologists to study.
Former Top IAEA Official: Actually, Fukushima “is a catastrophe for every citizen of the world… radiation doesn’t recognize borders” — Dose from Fukushima fallout in Europe many times higher than California gov’t claimed for West Coast (VIDEO)
Published: October 5th, 2014 at 7:42 pm ET
Interview with Olli Heinonen, former IAEA deputy director general, former Finland Reactor Laboratory senior officer and senior fellow at Harvard University (emphasis added): “[We] have a potential catastrophe on our hands… I think that when this thing is over — this is certainly a national catastrophe for Japan — but actually this a catastrophe for every citizen of the world… Russians, Americans, they are also subject radiation. The radiation doesn’t recognize borders… It looks to be a very dire situation.”
United Nations (pdf), 2014: Estimated doses in the first year following the [Fukushima] accident
> Italy — External exposure, inhalation and ingestion of 131I, 134Cs, 137Cs
- 1-year-old: 180 microsieverts/year
- Adult: 35 microsieverts/year
- Very conservative assumptions were applied as the highest concentration values measured for each radionuclide in rainwater were used to calculate the dose from ingested water.
> Serbia — Effective doses from 131I concentrations in food, milk, air and rainwater
- Adult estimated effective dose: 7.2 microsieverts/month
- [Does NOT include: Inhaled 134Cs/137Cs; Ingested 134Cs/137Cs; External doses]
Nuclear Physics Workshop (pdf), Apr. 12, 2014: Data discussed in the present work includes the observations of Fukushima related radionuclides in… Italy… [transported] from Japan, across the Pacific and to Central Europe… Estimated committed doses for population related to the contributions of Fukushima fallout due to different pathways were at least one order of magnitude [i.e. around ten times] less of the limit of 1 [millisievert a year] even if the calculations are made using high conservative assumptions… caesium and iodine were found above their detection limits in all environmental samples, but well below levels of concern.
Dr. Steve Wing, Univ. of North Carolina epidemiologist: “What we know about radiation is any amount increases risk of cancer… [At Fukushima] there’s a spectrum of types of radiation being emitted… Risks to populations exposed will play out over the rest of their lives. Even after the radiation is gone, genetic damage could lead to cancer many years later.”
Watch the interview with the former IAEA deputy director here